A New Equation
by GodricLives
Summary: Harry is 30ish and engaged to Ginny. Remus tries to give him THE TALK, but ends up learning more from Harry than he knew was possible. Purely for your amusement, all done in bad rhymes. Horrible rhymes, actually. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: If I owned Harry/Ron/Remus/Hermione/Mrs. Weasley, millions of angry fans would shoot me for making this stupid story. Since I don't, they don't know where I live so they can't hire assassins.

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Harry: I do not like this tension, Ron; it makes me feel like Albus's pawn. 

Ron: I know what you mean; I'm feeling green. Too much fish eaten off my dish makes me puke like a...sick duke.

Harry: I meant the wedding, you idiot! Erm...lalala lidiot.

Ron: That was a bad rhyme. I want some Coke with Lime.

Remus: Harry, come on, we need to talk. You really need this; I must not balk.

Harry: Goodbye my pal. Go pet my owl.

Ron: Okay, Har-ray.

Remus: Is there something you need to say? You should get it out of the way.

Harry: No, Joe!

Remus: (in a Bond-ish voice) Remus is my name, THE TALK is my game.

Harry: The talk did you say? Well, have it your way.

Remus: (normal voice) Well then, where to start?

Harry: Forget this; let's watch Braveheart. (A/N: Braveheart is good, if you haven't seen it go rent it.)

Remus: Well Harry, this is scary. Let me talk, I cannot balk. If you want spanking good sex...

Harry: Buy it from an American Tex.

Remus: No! You must love.

Harry: Love rhymes with dove.

Remus: Shut up and let me say this: You do not pay this.

Harry: You mean pay for this?

Remus: Wait a minute for me to piss.

Harry: No way! Oh, okay.

Remus: Be right back. Touch that-you I smack.

Harry: is confused

Remus: is back

Harry: Time for the talk? Or will you balk?

Remus: I will not balk! Now let me talk. When two people love each other very much...

Harry: ...or just get together for a quick little fuck...

Remus: ...they show their love in a simple way...

Harry: ...and they don't bother to pay...

Remus: They don't need to pay!

Harry: Yeah. Love. Have it your way.

Remus: Tab A into Slot B...

Harry: ...but only after erect is me...

Remus: Please stop talking and pay attention!

Harry: Or what? You'll give me detention?

Ron: (still petting Hedwig…she's perched on his arm.) Or put me on a pension?

Remus and Harry: I'll show you tension...on the torture machine, it will make your freckles green!

Ron: Eep!

Harry: Peep!

Remus: Ron, you too can learn from this...

Harry: He thinks sex is taking a piss...

Remus: But it's in a female body!

Random Two Year Old From Australia: I gotta go potty.

Ron: I have never had sex, but one time I had the runs.

Harry: Sex doesn't rhyme with runs! But guess what does? PUNS!

Ron: runs away to assault Hermione with puns

Remus: Your lesson is done; get me a plum.

Harry: That's all you know? I've done more to the snow!

Remus: You think you know better?

Harry: Sure, Ugly-Sweater.

Remus: I like my jumper!

Harry: So, back to the pumper...

Remus: A pumper? No. That's a pee-er.

Harry: So it does appear. But it is so much more than that, even on a tiny gnat...I think.

Ron: mutters you stink.

Harry: ignores Ron The guy goes in, straight as a pin. The girl...

Remus: I'm going to hurl! Do you want me to go in her? That makes her...makes her purr!

Harry: That means she likes it.

Remus: She likes my dick?

Harry: No, she likes mine.

Remus: I'll run off and pine.

Harry: Are you still not shagged?

Remus: No, and I've never been jet-lagged.

Harry: That's...nice. You put it on ice?

Remus: makes confused face

Harry: To lose the stiffy!

Remus: In a jiffy! I thought it was swollen.

Harry: No, full of pollen.

Remus: That's why Tonks left me! Said wanted to bed me, so I got in bed. She grabbed my head and tried to kiss me. Good thing I was already mispronounces asleep.

Harry: Didn't need to know that!

Dudley: (from somewhere in Number Four, Privet Drive) I want a new hat. And Remus that sounded awful. I hated it worse than falafel. (A/N: I like falafel.)

Harry: I tell you now; you don't need love.

Remus: The equation said you needed love.

Harry: Well then there's a new equation.

Hermione: NEW EQUATION! And to think I'd been doing my homework with the equation in the book!

Harry: What's wrong with you, you big fat poo? You didn't rhyme...

Hermione: I don't have to follow the rules; I'm Head Girl.

Harry: That was years ago, you stupid lime!

Remus: (to Hermione) You made me hard, you stupid lard. Now I have to take a piss, Oh how I hate this!

Hermione: Is he a virgin?

Harry: Yes, he is, the little fizz. He tried to teach me sex-ed, but I taught him sex-ed.

Hermione: Does that count as a rhyme? It's the same word.

Harry: Yes it does, you dumb little fuzz.

Hermione: Your insults are lame.

Harry: All part of the game.

Hermione: What game? This is a fic. A lame fic, I might add.

Author: Up you shut, you little slut.

Hermione: Just because I get around and YOU don't doesn't make me a slut!

Author: I'm writing and I say you're a slut. So its true, now up you shut. disappears, to everyone's relief

Hermione: Well, now it's time for me to write a new book about sex entitled "The New Equation" where a quick fuck is introduced as a variable on the P axis, a lame lover on the Q axis, and a broken bed on the upside down quadrilated tetrahedral.

Harry, Ron, and Remus: are so confused by now that they just smile and nod, pushing her out the door.

Harry: Now she's gone.

Ron: Who's gone? (A/N: Ron remembered the "Same word is a rhyming word" rule from earlier.)

Remus: Hermione.

Harry: What rhymes with Hermione? (A/N: So did Harry.)

Ron: Hermione.

Remus. Yes, also Hermione. (A/N: And Remus.)

Harry: And this is over, thanks to Dover. Time for the end, I must go mend. leaves to darn socks with Mrs. Weasley

Ron: goes to watch/steal his mum's chair

Remus: This was very informative. I must change to the normative. What does that even mean? I think I'll go cause a scene.

Mrs. Weasley: The end is here, goodbye my dear. My chair is taken, unless I'm mistaken. So I sit here, watching you, dear. Until you go, then I'll sell my hoe. sits down

Hermione: Wow this was dumb. And she means garden hoe. And the new equation has yet to be discovered...But never fear, if I can't do it...I'll blow up the evidence and no one ever need know I even tried. So stop reading and review this so the terrible author doesn't come back. And then never read this story again. And don't waste your time trying to figure out the rules regarding me and rhyming, because they changed however it was convenient.

THE OFFICIALLY OFFICIAL END

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A/N: As I said, it was dumb. But it amused me, and I have a sick sense of humor. So if you liked it, keep reading my stories. If not, I advise you to stay away from me. 


End file.
